Emmestyle

You asked. She answered. Our wonderful Emme-supermodel, superperson- helps you size things up and cope all the way around.

Q: My husband and I have a great relationship- sometimes. We share a lot of the same interests and have a child we both dote on. But Peter is highly judgmental: When I do something he doesn't like, such as forget to comb our daughter's hair or spend a half hour on the phone with a friend, he says it's because I'm self-absorbed and don't care about him or our daughter. This makes me feel terrible. How can I get him to stop?

A: Does he know how to use a comb? Who's self-absorbed here? When did forgetting to comb :your daughter's hair or talking on the phone become synonymous with not caring about your family? Now, I know there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. But this is an issue of respect. It sounds as if your husband is extremely insecure and needs a lot of attention. Have you told him how much his judgmental statements hurt you? Do you fear his reaction? If you don't tell him how you feel, the situation will remain the same-or worsen. A healthy conversation about your needs, his needs, and the needs of your daughter has to take place. Ifhe won't listen, a visit to a family counselor may be in order.

Q: I met the man of my dreams eight months ago, and I believe we'll get married one day. He's a terrific guy, but he has said he thinks I'd be truly gorgeous if I'd lose a little weight. I'm a size 14, 170 rounds, and pretty happy about the way I look. Should I try to lose weight for him?

A: Losing weight for a "terrific guy" who thinks you can become truly gorgeousby doing so is such a crock I want to scream! If you do this, you're taking the first steps down a long and cruel road to nowheresville. You'll begin to feel like a circus animal jumping through hoops, and your body image and self-esteem will crumble. What happens if this man of your dreams next asks you to nip this and tuck that? It will never end. He has a few issues to clear up before you should consider walking down the aisle. Ask yourself if he is your prince, or an impostor posing as one.

Q: My boss is really smart, and she's given me many opportunities, so I'm pretty happy in my job. But at least once a week, she blames me for some-thing that hasn't turned out just the way she likes it, even if it's technically not my fault. Should I call her on it? Or is it not worth the trouble?

A: Taking the blame for something can be difficult, but have you considered that she may be pushing you to be the best you can be? Review the tasks she gives you. If her instructions aren't clear, ask her to clarifY them. If she is as smart as you say, she will appreciate your input and questions. Don't let her intelligence intimidate you. No question is stupid. It may be that she has a hard time explaining herself; smart or not, we all have things to work on. In the long run, you'll save the company time and money if your boss gets what she wants the first time around. This way you won't have to "call her" on anything, and you can work on getting a promotion.

Q: My girlfriend Helen and I have been really close for two years now, but recently we had a fight over whether it was right for me to financially help out another friend of ours. Helen says it was stupid; I say it was just a nice thing to do. My friend paid me back, but Helen and I still aren't talking. I'd love to recapture our former friendship. What should I do?

A: Helen probably hasn't had many people in her life help her out-emotionally or financially-when she needed it, so it isn't natural for her to reach out as you did. Good for you for doing it anyway. Generosity and kindness go such a long way, but for those who have not been at the other end of giving, doing so can make them feel vulnerable. Let Helen know you are there for her, and how much you value your relationship. This is just another form of giving-and it is truly a blessing.